Doesn't everyone have this restlessness? This yearning? Every day the world seems to be getting smaller, and the walls begin to close in. I am always wondering if this is it. Is this town, this job, this car; is it all there is? Then we go somewhere new, and just for a moment the newness of it all makes me feel adequate, as if I have somehow accomplished leaving behind all of those people and things that defined me.
New places are scary mostly because you aren't you in them. People look at you and they see someone that doesn't exist yet. Which is to say that they haven't met you, don't expect certain bad behaviors, or good ones. Stepping into new places can be like stepping into new identities. Each time I travel, I change, because just for a moment, before judgments are made I am new, and allowed to be whoever I want to be.
However, sometimes I look back at all the once new places, and all the people that I have been there. Some of them are now perfect strangers. They are like a cast of clowns, permutations of who I really am. Some of them I miss; others not so much. Yet each and every one of them is special, and gives me hope.Hope that someday when I have found all the new places that I am meant to find that I will find the real me. So far, all these people I have been in these new places don't feel real. Instead they are superficial, and don't seem to live up to their potential. In each one there is a tiny failure that I have not discovered what it is I am looking for.However there is also success. Just like an athlete who runs the track, each quarter mile marks not necessarily a finish, but a tiny step closer. It is that forward movement that is most encouraging, and wherein lies the victory.
Yet I have to ask myself: Will the journey ever be over? Will the restlessness ever stop? New places never get old. The thrill is always the same, and it is this that worries me the most.I have heard that you are supposed to settle down, make a family, and create a career. But, how can I do that if I am always following the yearning. It makes me worry that I will never be satisfied, and never be complete. Sure family can be a whole new frontier, but there is something about starting all over that calls to me. Even now the new, undiscovered places, are out there, and I want to make them mine.